The Governor's Daughter
by bwayfan25
Summary: An ancient Ozian philosopher once said that it was one's choices in life that determined not only their future but also informed their very definition of self. And if current choices were to change, how much could they change the future? Nessa-centric AU about her life choices and how the past might not have been as nice to her as she thought. TW for gaslighting and abuse.
1. Chapter 1

_Late September 1895_

The group chatted quietly around the table when Boq took his seat with them.

His arrival was overshadowed by the simultaneous arrival of the group's waitress. Boq slid into his seat as dishes were passed around.

"Boq," a voice said loudly from down the table.

He leaned forward, peering past the arms and plates and found Elphaba making eye contact with him

"Oh. Hi, Elp-"

"Yes, yes. Hello," Elphaba said, cutting him off. "Have you seen my sister?"

Boq frowned, first at the interruption and then as he considered the question.

He _hadn't_ seen Nessa today. Or yesterday, for that matter.

"No, I haven't."

Elphaba's sigh was lost to the noise of the restaurant, but her disappointment and frustration was clear on her face.

She placed her napkin on the table, next to her untouched plate of food.

"Elphie, what's wrong?" Galinda asked as Elphaba started gathering up her bag.

"Nothing, Glin," Elphaba answered. "Just… I haven't seen Nessa in a few days and I need to make sure she's okay."

"Elphie, please. I'm sure she's fine. She's probably just busy studying. Exams are coming up."

"I'm surprised you'd know that, Glin," Elphaba muttered. "Since you've skipped three classes this week."

"_I heard that_," Galinda said with a tut. "But don't go now! Our food just got here. Let's eat first. Then you can go check on her."

The reassurances had no effect. Elphaba continued preparing to leave.

Galinda clicked her tongue and cast a dirty look down the table towards Boq who, in her mind at least, had failed to provide Elphaba with the correct answer to her question (regardless of whether or not his response was truthful).

Suddenly, she lit up.

"Elphaba, stay here. Biq can go and check in on her. "

Boq was momentarily lost in Galinda's gaze but the mispronunciation of his name jerked him back to reality.

"Wha- what did you say, Miss Galinda?"

"I said," Galinda said, her tone sickly sweet. "Why don't you be a dear and go and check on Nessarose? You are her boyfriend after all."

Boq's heart sank.

He looked to Elphaba, who had stood up halfway and stopped at Galinda's words, slowly sat back down again. She seemed to consider him closely for a moment.

"I guess that's fine," Elphaba said after a moment. "Boq. If you would."

The way she offered it sounded like just that - an offer. A choice. But the look on Elphaba's face was softer than the flash in Galinda's eyes.

"I can go. Check on her, I mean."

Galinda's face broke into her normal happy smile and Boq's heart leapt, but only slightly.

Elphaba looked from Galinda to the plate in front of her.

"After dinner. Boq can go, but let him order and eat first. It's fine. No, you know what? I'll go. After dinner."

Galinda's smile faltered for the slightest moment. But then she just shrugged and picked up her previous conversation.

Boq sighed and started looking around for the waitress. At least he got to eat first.

But Elphaba's worry did not need to be expressed aloud to push Boq out the door before the meal ended.

He considered this as he walked across the Shiz University campus, his stomach growling loudly. The cold night air nipped at his exposed neck and ears, which only added to his growing resentment.

"Good evening, Madame Morrible," Boq greeted as he stepped into the Shiztress' quarters.

Madame Morrible turned from the mirror on the wall into which she had admiring her reflection.

"Master… Block, isn't it?"

"Boq, ma'am. Master Boq," Boq corrected. "I wanted to ask, Madame… Is… Do you know if… Is Miss Nessarose here?"

"Yes. She's in her room," Morrible replied in a tone that implied the fact was completely obvious and that perhaps Boq was an idiot.

"Could you fetch-" Boq cut himself off. "Would you ask Miss Nessarose if she'll receive me? And chaperone us if she will."

Madame Morrible gave him an appraising look and Boq couldn't help his annoyance. He was getting a little tired of people looking at him like that when they couldn't even bother to learn his name.

"I'm on my way out. Head Shiztress duties, of course," Morrible said. "But I can have my butler call on Miss Nessarose and chaperone you. Ralf?"

A Rat in a coat and tails stepped out of the shadows to Boq's left. He gave a deep bow before turning on his heel and disappearing down a back hallway towards Nessa's room.

"He won't be but a moment," Morrible assured Boq, admiring her hair in the mirror once more before turning back to him. "What do you think, Master B-"

"Boq, ma'am," he said through gritted teeth. "And you look lovely."

Morrible knew the compliment was not sincere, but accepted it as such anyway.

"Right. Well, I must be off. Have a good evening, Master Block."

Boq inhaled as Madame Morrible opened the door and disappeared into the night. The return of Ralf did nothing to alleviate his frustration.

"Miss Thropp wishes to see you, Master Boq."

Ralf rose a hand and motioned down the hallway. Boq nodded and followed the familiar path to Nessa's room.

It was the Rat who knocked on the door to the bedroom and opened it upon hearing the "Please come in".

"Good evening, Nessa," Boq said rather stiffly as he entered Nessa's bedroom followed by Ralf.

Nessa was seated in her chair at her desk. She wore a robe over her nightgown and a blanket covered her legs. Her long brown hair, usually held back by one of her headbands, was braided down her back.

Whether Boq didn't see meaning behind her tired eyes and the dark circles beneath them or chose to ignore it, neither he nor Nessa knew.

"Hello, Boq. Please. Come in. Have a seat."

"I'd rather stand," Boq replied almost automatically.

He took dark pleasure in the look of surprise that crossed her face. But rather than argue with him, she just nodded.

"Miss Ga- Your sister sent me," Boq explained. "She asked where you were and I confided that I had not seen you. She wanted me to come."

Nessa nodded again.

"I appreciate you coming on her behalf, Boq. I'm… I'm fine," Nessa said slowly. "Actually, I'm rather glad that you came. I wished to speak to you. Please- I mean if you'd…. Won't you sit down? So you may be more comfortable?"

Boq was ready to snap at her again, but he remembered something Nessa had once mentioned about preferring to have serious conversations with people when they were sitting down. Something about being able to look them in the eye.

He took a deep breath and took a seat on her bed. She turned her chair to look at him. Ralf stood guard beside the door.

"What is it? That you wanted to tell me?"

Nessa too took a deep breath.

"I am very, very sorry. I have been terrible to you. You have no interest in me romantically and yet you courted me. And I let you… _made _you. In a way. And I'm sorry. You don't have to do this anymore. Go pursue Miss Galinda or whoever else you may desire."

Boq stared.

"What?"

"I said that you don't have to court me anymore. Pretend to be my boyfriend."

"So… you're breaking up with me?"

"In a way, I guess. Though ours was much more a farce than a relationship," Nessa admitted. "I'm so sorry, Boq. Really."

Nessa's hands gave a slight twitch, like she was going to reach out and take his hand in hers. But instead she just folded them on her lap.

Boq paused for a moment and considered Nessa's words. Then he nodded, satisfied.

"Alright then."

Nessa seemed to want to say something else, but didn't. Instead, she just nodded solemnly and stared at her lap.

"Nessa?"

"Hmm?"

"What brought this on?" Boq asked, his brow furrowing. "How long have you been considering this?"

Nessa bit her lip. She wouldn't look at him, only at the ceiling.

"It's… It's a long time coming."

"Well, you're a very fine actress then because you certainly didn't let it on at dinner the other night," Boq stated. "Either that's the case or you're lying to me."

Nessa squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, exhaling. When she opened her eyes again, they shimmered with tears.

"When I was in my Ozian philosophy class the other day," she said quietly, "we were covering the great philosopher Kakaellian. And it was his belief that, that… that everything we are is shaped by our choices. Every decision we make - good or bad, yes or no, red or blue - every decision we have ever made has helped create who we are now, and every decision we are making now will make later create our future. The past informs the present informs the future. And it's all of those infinite choices, big or small, that we make in our lifetime that determines who we are and what our future holds."

"So… what? I'm a bad decision?"

"No, no. _You_ are not a bad decision. You are someone's very _good _decision. Just… not mine."

Boq frowned again. Nessa gave a small shake of her head and continued.

"No decision can be good if it means that someone else is getting hurt. And… and I can't hurt you. I just can't. I shouldn't have been hurting you all along and I have been and I'm sorry-"

"Nessa, I appreciate the apology and all, but this doesn't explain why you _just_ made the decision not to do this anymore. What does the philosophy have to do with anything? What changed?"

"Our professor challenged us to consider our future using Kakaellian philosophy," Nessa answered. "He told us to imagine what decisions we've made in the past and the decisions we are making right now and imagine what our future will be like. And I did and I saw…"

Nessa took a deep breath.

"I saw myself behind the Governor's desk. My face looked gaunt and sallow. Like I was wasting away. And- and I was angry. I looked angry and bitter and I was… alone. And that picture, the image of… that version of the future scared me. I don't want to be some, to be _that_ bitter, old woman. That's not the future I imagine for myself.

"So, I immediately started thinking through all the decisions I was making now that I could change so that that wouldn't happen. And step one was you. I had to let you go. Because as long as we continued this, I was holding you against your will."

"Oh, come on," Boq scoffed. "I'll be honest. I wasn't always happy about this, but that doesn't mean you were holding me against my will."

"Maybe not now," Nessa said. "But maybe that woman, that angry mean-looking woman, maybe _she _would. And I can't let myself become a woman who would do that. To you or anyone."

A sigh, this time of relief, escaped Nessa before she could stop it.

The words and emotions had been pushing at her for nearly a week and only now as she spoke them aloud did she finally feel any sense of relief.

"So," Boq said slowly. "This is step one. What's step two?"

Nessa sat back in her chair. She gave a look somewhere between a smile and a grimace.

"Much harder than step one," she replied. "And step one wasn't that easy."

Boq leaned forward unconsciously, urging her onward.

"It has always been the three of us," Nessa began. "My father, my sister, and I. And I have known since I was young that whatever was given to me was often given at the expense of my sister. I was- We were both raised to understand that I was to be given everything while Elphaba was to be given nothing. I disliked it, but I felt powerless to change anything. And when I was thinking about all those decisions I'd made that had led me to that horrible version of the future, I realized that I was powerless over all of it.

"Because as I was trying to think of the decisions that I had made, I kept having to go further and further back in my memory to do so. I couldn't remember making decisions, like truly mulling something over and having to choose. And I realized that it was because _I _hadn't made any decisions. None of them. I hadn't chosen anything for myself since childhood at least."

"You've made tons of decisions," Boq said in a corrective tone. "Tons of them. Even just since we've known each other. I mean, hell, you made the decision to come here. To Shiz, I mean. That's a decision."

But Nessa shook her head.

"No, it wasn't. Not mine, anyways. Because I remember father asking me about where I wanted to go, but I don't remember even considering it. It was just like one day the decision was made and I was told it was mine.

"And perhaps I am misremembering and that there was a lot of thought put into it. But I swear to the Unnamed God that I don't remember thinking through any big decision in my life since I was young. Because what I lack in memories of making decisions, I more than make up for in instances of my father telling me 'But this is what you wanted. This is what you chose'.

"Every decision. Every choice. I may have been offered them, but I didn't make them. My father made them and convinced me that the choices were mine," Nessa said, tears now streaming down her face. "And, and if Kakaellian is right and it's _my_ choices that determine who I am, then I am no one. I am nobody, or at least if I _am _somebody, then I don't know who that person is. All I know is that I have not been the one making my own decisions. And that means I have to make _this _decision. I can either choose to make my decisions, to fix things, and accept whatever that may mean or I can choose to let my life continue this way and accept that it will turn me into that woman in my imagination."

"But that's just it, Nessa," Boq pointed out. "It was your _imagination_. You can't see the future. It's not set in stone."

"That's exactly my point," Nessa said, nodding. "It's not set in stone. Not if I change it now."

Boq had never been one to argue with Nessa, but there was something in her voice now that told him even if he tried, he wouldn't be able to convince her otherwise.

"Well, then," he said with a tone of finality. "Good luck. I guess. On…. making your own decisions and all that."

"Thank you, Master Boq," Nessa said, with an incline of her head.

She shivered slightly and pulled her robe closer around her. Boq felt the chill too and began to pull on his coat.

"I'll let your sister know you're okay," Boq offered. "Though I'm sure you're invited to join the group after dinner tonight."

"If you would tell her, I can follow-up with her tomorrow."

Boq gave a curt nod before he clicked his heels together and gave Nessa a traditional salute. He had meant it sardonically, but it seemed to come off sincere.

"Excuse me," Ralf said from his place near the door. "I will escort you out, Master Boq. With me, please. And goodnight, Miss Thropp."

Boq let Ralf lead him down the hallway to the foyer of Madame Morrible's quarters.

"Good evening, Master Boq. Please do have a safe journey home."

The butler bowed deeply and Boq gave him the same Munchkinland salute. But as he turned to open the door, he had one last thought.

"Ralf?"

"Sir?"

"Why do you call Miss Nessarose 'Miss Thropp', yet you call me 'Master Boq'?"

"She is the governor's daughter, sir," Ralf replied slowly. "He is a figure of great authority and power. As his daughter, she also has authority and power. It would be of the highest impropriety not to refer to her by her surname. To do so would not recognize her position."

"Does she use that power against you, Ralf?"

"No, sir. Miss Thropp is very kind to me, sir."

Boq considered this for a moment.

"What do _you _make of what she said? About her not making her own decisions?" Boq asked, his brow furrowed.

"It is not my place to comment on Miss Thropp's personal business, Master Boq," Ralf responded, stiffening. "I was merely chaperoning your visit to ensure no inappropriate behavior occurred."

Boq chuckled and shook his head.

"Your comments would be safe with me, Ralf," Boq said in a low voice. "What do you think about what she said?"

Ralf paused. For a moment it seemed like he was not going to answer. But then he let out a deep breath.

"Miss Thropp receives visits from her father once a month or so. He is always amiable to her and offers her whatever she likes, no matter the cost. But I do not hear her choose anything. It is only given and received. Never chosen. And there is a fear in her. Fear I do not think she recognizes. But perhaps, if her words tonight were true, it is only a matter of time before she does. And there is no telling what that recognition may do to the future."

* * *

**Author's Notes**

**I know it's been five years since I posted a fic in this fandom, but I can explain: I've been busy.**

**A lot has happened in five years. Since the last time I posted something for Wicked, I switched majors, got a grownup job, moved into my first apartment, fell in love, found my passion, graduated college, started my career, moved again, got a new job, started grad school, got engaged, and moved again.**

**Like I said, I've been busy. But throughout all of that, I've been writing. A lot.**

**I realized a few years ago that writing is my primary form of self-care, so I've done a lot of it. Some has been original, some has been essays, but mostly, it's been fanfiction. **

**I wrote a little Scooby-Doo here, a little Avatar: The Last Airbender there. I spent quite a bit of time in the The Shape of Water fandom over on AO3 in 2018, culminating in my first novel-length fanfiction Lost and Found, followed by a bit of Doctor Who for the first time in several years.**

**Given that my two favorite things are family drama and healthcare administration, I just finished a year-long stint in the ER fandom. I wrote a very long AU called "unexpected circumstances" that involved rewriting five seasons of the show to make it 1) happy and 2) gay. It not only clocked in at my longest work to date (125k on its own, almost 200k with all the additional stuff), but it inspired the completion of my first original novel at the end of last year. **

**(I told you I was writing a lot.)**

**But, through all this, I never forgot about my unfinished Wicked stories. But in rereading them and figuring out what comes next, I decided to start fresh. Sorry to leave those where they lay, but instead I offer something fresh and new and much more likely to get finished than other things. It draws both from things I wrote a long time ago as well as a lot that I've learned since.**

**Plus, I've come quite a ways as a writer in those three and a half years, if I do say so myself, and I've also learned quite a bit. And, at least in my opinion, it makes for much better (fan)fiction. **

**So, here you go. May this make up for my past unfinished works.**


	2. Chapter 2

_November 1895_

Nessa stared at the schedule on the cafeteria table in front of her.

It had been at the bottom of her bag all semester. The paper was now so crumpled that it was ready to fall apart, but she could still read it.

There were notes here and there. Notes on what streets were too steep or bumpy to maneuver her chair easily. Comments on what book was required or what to bring with her.

And of course, there were the classes.

_Ancient Ozian Philosophy… Introduction to Logic… Ozian History…. Linguification and the Law…_

They had once seemed so exciting. The classes, the learning, the topics… Now, they were just words on a paper.

"So, I need to know," a voice said suddenly, slapping their tray down across from her. "When is the next time father is coming in town so I know to avoid you?"

Nessa looked up in time to see her older sister take a seat in front of her and begin digging into her mashed potatoes.

"I, uh… What?"

"When is father coming in next?" Elphaba repeated.

"Oh. Uh…" Nessa paused, thinking. "He will not be. We will not see him until the holiday break at Lurlinemas."

"Well… I guess that's good then," Elphaba said, taken aback. "So, I don't have to avoid you for any period of time."

Nessa nodded and, as surreptitiously as possible, swept the schedule off of the table and onto her lap. She pulled her lunch closer and began to eat as if she had been doing so all along.

"Something's wrong with you."

Nessa froze, a forkful of vegetables hovering halfway to her open mouth.

"What are you talking about?" Nessa asked, feigning interest as she lowered her fork.

"Something's… different," Elphaba said, narrowing her eyes.

She considered Nessa closely for a moment before her eyes grew wide in realization.

"Your hair," Elphaba said, her voice an a surprised whisper. "You… You aren't wearing a headband."

Unconsciously, Nessa's hands moved to adjust her headband, but instead found none. As most of her hair still cascaded down her back, she had forgotten it had been replaced by two braids that wrapped around the sides of her head and met behind her head.

"Oh, yes," she said slowly. She lowered her hands. "Just something different."

"Why? Something wrong with headbands?" Elphaba asked as she resumed eating her lunch.

"No, no," Nessa replied, shaking her head. "I just... decided I wanted a change is all."

Elphaba opened her mouth to respond, but seemed to reconsider it. Instead, she just shrugged and switched topics of conversation.

What she chose to switch the topic to, Nessa didn't know, as the discussion of her headband (or lack thereof) had immediately brought back a memory that had resurfaced just a few days before.

"_Now, my darling girl," Frex cooed as he stood behind Nessa's chair and observed them both in the mirror. "How would you like your hair done today? Down over your shoulders? Or perhaps with this lovely headband I bought for you from a shop in town. It is lovely, don't you think?"_

_Frex pulled a knitted headband from a pocket in his jacket and showed it to Nessa, who could not be older than six or seven._

"_Braid it!" Nessa replied excitedly. "I want you to braid it nice like Fabala's hair. Or down my back like the girls in town!"_

_Frex inhaled, his smile fading into a frown. His eyes, the eyes that had just been so soft and adoring, were now dark. _

_Nessa looked at his reflection in the mirror. She saw the change and where his eyes had turned dark, her eyes turned fearful._

"_Or… or I could wear the headband, Daddy," young Nessa said in a small voice. _

_The look in his eyes changed to adoration once more. _

"_Wonderful decision, my dear," he said lovingly as he began to put the headband on her. "You always make such wonderful decisions. Now, what do you think? Isn't it lovely?"_

_Nessa stared into the mirror, trying to focus her thoughts onto the headband now securely on her head, but she couldn't keep her mind on it._

_It was far too tight, pulled at the small hairs near her ears and the back of her neck. The small, sharp pains reminded Nessa of the times her leg braces had pinched at her when they shifted out of place or got too small._

"_It hurts," Nessa said. "I don't like it. I want to take it off."_

"_Oh, but my darling girl," Frex said in a soft voice. "It looks so nice on you. And I spent so much time picking it out just for you. It would make daddy so happy if you wore it. And that is what you want, isn't it? To make daddy happy?"_

_Nessa felt her face contort into a grimace as the hairpiece pulled at her skin. But still she nodded. _

"_Yes, daddy. I want to make you happy."_

Nessa jerked back to the present so hard that she felt her body actually jerk as she inhaled deeply.

That line, that last line… she hadn't remembered that before. Where she agreed with him. She had recalled complying, consenting to the headband over her own choice of hairstyle, but she hadn't remembered _agreeing _with him.

Agreeing to make him happy.

"Nessa? Nessa?"

Nessa blinked.

"...Mmm-hmm?"

"Are you listening to me?" Elphaba asked, her brow raised though she already knew the answer. "Look, I know I'm not exactly your favorite person in the world, but you usually pay a _little_ bit more attention when I'm sitting right here talking to you."

Nessa blinked again and then frowned.

"Who said you weren't my favorite person in the world?"

Elphaba stared at her, confused.

"You did. On dozens of occasions."

"I was lying," Nessa said automatically. "You are, hands down, my favorite person in the world. Why would I have said you weren't? No. I know why I said that."

Nessa shook her head.

"I'm sorry. Very sorry. For every time I said that and more for every time you believed it."

Elphaba's mouth hung open, the look on her face one of confused awe. Nessa waited to for a response and what she got was the back of Elphaba's hand on her forehead.

"What are you-" Nessa spluttered as she pulled her head away from Elphaba's hand.

"Are you running a fever?" Elphaba asked in all seriousness. "Are you feeling okay? You're talking nonsense."

"I'm - not -talking- nonsense," Nessa said, finally pushing Elphaba's hand away enough to make the older sister pull it back. "I'm just… apologizing. I'm sorry."

"But why?" Elphaba said, pushing back in a way unexpected by Nessa. "_Why _are you apologizing? What's wrong with you?"

"I've been…" Nessa dropped her voice. "Thinking."

"Thinking?" Elphaba repeated slowly.

"Yes, thinking," Nessa confirmed. "Thinking and processing and… remembering."

"Remembering what?"

Nessa looked around. Elphaba repeated the gesture, though she didn't know why.

"Come… Would you be able to come to my room tonight?" Nessa asked quietly. "After class maybe?"

"Uh… well, yes," Elphaba said, nodding. "Maybe after dinner though. I can get really, uh, upset if I get too hungry."

Thanks to a surprise visit from Doctor Dillamond, Elphaba had _not_ been able to have dinner like she had hoped and found herself entering Nessa's room in much more of a furor than she normally would.

Just her luck then that dinner was there waiting for her.

"How did you-" Elphaba began before cutting herself off with a large bite of ham and potatoes.

"I can have dinner served in my room," Nessa explained.

Elphaba seemed impressed and continued digging into her dinner. Nessa, however, barely touched the plate in front of her.

"Do you do this often?" Elphaba asked curiously between bites.

"No," Nessa replied, shaking her head. "Only if I'm exceptionally tired or not feeling well. Usually, it's just me eating and it gets a little… lonely…"

Nessa's words faded by the time she finished the sentence, but Elphaba knew exactly what she meant.

Before long, Elphaba had eaten her fill and turned her attention to her sister.

It still struck her odd how different she looked with her hair braided instead of held back by a headband. Though effectively her hair was pulled back the same amount, it seemed like she was looking at Nessa from a different angle.

"So," Elphaba began, sitting up to signify her attention. "What is this 'thinking' you've been doing?"

Nessa closed her eyes for a moment. When she opened them, she leaned forward in her chair and grasped one of Elphaba's hands in hers. It closed the gap between them considerably.

"I am very sorry," Nessa whispered. "I am so, so sorry. And I know that words aren't enough to properly apologize and make it all up to you, but I still have to say them. I'm sorry, Elphaba. I am so sorry for all the pain or hurt I have ever caused you."

Elphaba felt Nessa squeeze her hand, like she was trying to send her message through touch as much as she did through words.

"Nessa, are you sick? Are you dying?" Elphaba asked again.

"No. I'm just… Elphaba, I've realized recently that I'm not… That I've been…"

Nessa paused to get her words straight. Tears had started to gather at the corner of her eyes.

"I recently realized that if I didn't address and change some of the things I was doing, the ways I was acting, then I was going to turn into someone I didn't like. And part of this whole thing has been making amends. And I wanted- no, I _needed _to apologize to you because you are the one person I think I've caused the most harm."

"What do you mean 'caused the most harm'?" Elphaba said, releasing Nessa's hand as she did so. "You've never tried to hurt-"

"No, I never _tried _to hurt you. Or at least I don't _think _I did… It's all… Everything is sort of mixed up," Nessa said, putting her hand on her temple. "I'm thinking… trying to remember and get a clearer picture of things…"

"But _what _are you remembering? What have you remembered that you think hurt me?"

"A better question would be what am I _not_ remembering, because... Oh, Elphaba, I never really realized how much I did… How much his words had influenced me."

Elphaba stopped at the sudden use of the pronoun.

"Nessa, you can't actually be saying that it took you until _now_ to figure out how much father had, as you say, 'influenced' you, right?" Elphaba said, her tone far more accusatory than before. "Because I know you're not stupid, but if you really hadn't considered that-"

"I _have _considered it," Nessa interrupted. "I have. I promise. But, but… it took me until now to truly realize how much it messed with- how much it messed _me _up. And because of that how I treated you and everyone else. And I'm just now trying to untangle all of that, yes, but it doesn't mean that I haven't considered it before."

"He didn't 'mess you up'," Elphaba snapped, her emotion and volume rising. "You have always been perfectly content to do whatever he wanted you to do, to say whatever he wanted you to say. You weren't 'messed up'."

"But I think I was," Nessa said quickly, her tone far more pleading than it had been. "I mean… I was a child. Where would I have learned that stuff anyways? I was repeating, parroting what he said, yes, but I think there was more to it than that. I think part of me was scared of what would happen if I didn-"

"Oh, shut up, Nessa," Elphaba said sharply. "You've never feared him. You've never been scared of him. He gave you everything you could have ever wanted and now you have the audacity to say you said and did everything he wanted you to because you were _scared_? No. You're just looking for an excuse and, as usual, you're blaming it on someone else."

Elphaba rose, her mind set on the door, on an exit so fast that she knew Nessa couldn't pursue her. But before she could take even a step, Nessa had grabbed one of her hands again.

"I know I didn't- that I didn't have the same experience as you," Nessa cried, tears now streaming down her face. "I'm not saying I did. I just… I think he hurt me too. Differently, but still hurt. And I'm trying to change and get rid of all of that and that's why I wanted to apologize, I swear. I'm so sorry."

"I'm not upset that you're trying to change. Go on and do it. Be better," Elphaba said, shaking Nessa from her grasp. "But don't pretend that all of the bad stuff was just from him. Don't pretend you're his victim when you've always been the complete opposite."

Elphaba turned on her heel and left the room before Nessa could even try and call after her once more.

Nessa stared after the closed door at the exact place where she had been just a few seconds ago.

She had expected Elphaba to be so much more understanding. That of all people, _she_ would understand being hurt by their father. That maybe she would agree and help acknowledge the reality of all that she was feeling.

All this time, Nessa had unconsciously banked on Elphaba being the one person who could help her do all the processing and untangling and figuring out that this was going to take.

But now she was alone once more, abandoned by the one person that she was sure was going to help her.

Nessa looked from the spot Elphaba had been to the journal on her bedside table.

She picked it up and turned it over in her hand, relishing the smooth leather of the cover beneath her fingertips.

Not three weeks again, it had been just another pretty thing on her pretty shelf. But as she started to think more and more, to piece together the puzzle, it had quickly filled up with memories and thoughts.

Nessa ran her fingers over the embossed words on the back cover: _Made by hand in Colwen Grounds, Munchkinland_.

She opened the back cover and found the note inside. It was a couple years old now and unrelated to the writing inside, but the thought of taking it out was unheard of.

_Happy birthday, my dearest sister. _

_May this journal be an object for solace and reflection. _

_Love, Elphaba. _

A wave of hot anger rushed through her.

Nessa shoved the note back into the back cover of the journal and tossed it and the note into the nearby trash can.

Immediately, she was overwhelmed by guilt and sadness and tried to fetch it out of the bottom.

But it was no use. She couldn't reach far enough down without fear of falling and she couldn't get a good grip on the can to pick the whole thing up. She'd just have to ask Ralf or Madame Morrible for help.

How hypocritical the note was, Nessa thought. She had used it as the exact thing Elphaba had wished for her: An object of solace and reflection.

But was that reflection just the thoughts of a spoiled child facing the consequences of her behavior as an adult? Or was it actually a reflection on a troubled childhood full of manipulation and control?

Or was it both?

_Could _it be both? Nessa wasn't quite sure. That was becoming more and more common these days and had ceased bothering her.

What did bother her was the one thing she thought she had been sure of: Her favorite person in the world and the only person who had shared in her childhood and life under her father was not going to help her figure all this out.


	3. Chapter 3

_November into December 1895_

By the time Nessa made it over the threshold into the library, she was absolutely drenched with rain.

It hadn't taken long into the deluge to consider turning back. The library was, after all, both far away and up a hill. It would have been easier to turn back and wait for someone to accompany her.

But she needed to keep going. Not just because she didn't know the next time Elphaba would be available (or willing) to accompany her, but because she needed to study. Final exams were looming and, regardless of whether or not Nessa wanted to continue studying what she was, she still wanted good grades.

She wrung her hair out over a small carpet just inside the library door before making her way forward towards the library desk.

The desk was so tall that Nessa could barely reach the little bell to ring for assistance.

"Ex- Excuse me?" She said, straining to see over the top and get someone's attention. "Hello?"

"Behind you," a familiar voice said.

Nessa turned to see Boq standing behind her. He wore a silver pin on his lapel which she recognized as his worker's badge for the Three Queens library. His face was much softer than the last time she had seen him.

"Oh, hello, Boq," Nessa greeted with a small smile. "Please excuse me dripping all over the floor."

"You're hardly the first to do so today," Boq assured, returning her small smile. "May I help you?"

"Uh… yes, please," Nessa said as she reached for her bag behind her chair. "Let me just… get out the … title and all that."

It took her a moment to grab it as both it and her hands were still incredibly wet. But finally she got it and carefully pulled a small piece of paper out of her journal.

"I… uh, well, I was able to look it up the other day but I didn't have time to flag anyone down to help me," she explained as Boq took the paper from her. "It's quite narrow in the stacks, I'm afraid. I- I can't really, you know, get back there."

Boq said nothing as his eyes scanned the paper she had given him. But then he clicked his heels together and inclined his head before turning on his heel and disappearing into the stacks.

Nessa considered whether she should wait for him to return, but the door to the library soon opened and she could hear the many footsteps of students coming inside.

She turned and made her way to a nearby empty table. She pulled a chair out and pushed it to an open spot at the end.

As she reached for her bag once again, Nessa considered her momentary hesitation in telling Boq she had difficulty getting the book.

The fact that she used a wheelchair was simply a fact of life. It always had been and always would be. But before her 'grand revelation' as she tried to consider it (as opposed to the other possible name of 'utterly terrible mistake that was making everything difficult'), it had been a tool of manipulation. Something for others to feel guilty and to take pity on. And somewhere along the line, it just became part of her internal narrative.

That had been one of the first things she realized as she started her process of figuring out what she needed to process and unlearn. And given how much of her journal seemed dedicated to that topic in particular, she had considered more than once to give it its own journal when she ran out of room in this one.

"Is this the correct book?" she heard Boq's voice ask as the book in question was set in front of her.

"_The Ancient Ozian Philosophers and Why They Were Wrong_ by Godric Oslyn," Nessa read aloud from the golden embossed words on the cover. "Yes, this is it. My professor recommended it to us. He said that it does the best job of explaining the philosophies as well as the critiques of them. I'm glad it's still here. I was… well, I was a little worried I'd be too late."

"I see," Boq said. "Well, in the future, should you need us to hold a specific book for you, just let the desk know. It's a new feature we have. We'll get books off the shelf and hold them for a few days for you. And if the book isn't in, we can put your name on a list and make sure to set it aside for you when it's returned."

"That is a wonderful idea," Nessa smiled. "I will be sure to take advantage of that in the future."

"Please do. Now, I do apologize, but I must return to work. May I check the book out for you? Or do you wish to peruse it first?"

Nessa's smile faded for the briefest of moments and when it returned, Boq thought it seemed a touch sadder. He hated to think that she might _actually _have feelings for him, feelings that may be sparked again.

"I think I'll read through it for a while," Nessa stated, her attention shifting to the book in her hands. "To see if I want to check it out."

She looked up at him again.

Boq had seen her gaze up at him before, always longingly. It always made his heart clench uncomfortably and when they had been "dating," it only made him resent her more.

But this time, her gaze looked… tired. Old. Like she had aged several years since the last time they had spoken a month and a half ago.

"Thank you, Boq. I really appreciate your help," she said before adding, "And I'm glad to see you're doing well."

Nessa paused for a moment like she was trying to figure out what to say next, but instead she just smiled again and turned the book over in her hands.

Boq left in the direction of the library desk and it took all of Nessa's will not to look up after him.

He would think she had feelings for him, she was sure. That she was doing the same old longing, wistful thing she had done when they were together. But that wasn't it at all. She was just so damn _lonely_.

It felt so good to talk to another person about something other than… well, just _something _at all.

Elphaba hadn't spoken to her since the night Nessa had tried to confide in her about the realizations she had been having about their father. The tears that poured out of her after her sister's abrupt exit were doubled as she realized that, without Elphaba, she had no one to talk to about what she was feeling.

Boq was gone and happy to have her out of his life. Elphaba wouldn't speak to her. Who else did she have?

The problem was she _knew_ who she had. But she couldn't talk to him. He was the source of all these problems, wasn't he? He couldn't help her. He would never understand, and worse, it would upset him. Terribly.

Her father was, like her loneliness, a looming presence in her life.

Every day she crossed off her calendar, she was getting closer to having to see him, to be back in that huge, lonesome house. The one haunted by the ghost of her mother and the cries of the baby born that marked the day of her death, if only to her father.

Before Nessa could blink, it was the final days of exams.

The wind that whistled through the streets and alleys of Shiz had grown much colder than before, which had seemed impossible to nearly everyone.

Shiz students were hardly distinguishable from each other, all of them in their striped uniforms, bundled up against the cold.

Except, of course, the Thropp sisters.

"Oh, _Elphie_," Galinda squealed as Elphaba loaded hers and Nessa's suitcases up on top of the carriage. "Do you _have _to go? Can't you come to the Vinkus with me and Fiyero for Lurlinemas?"

"I told you, Glin," Elphaba grunted as she pulled the rope securely over the top of the suitcases. "It's important to my father that we're home for the holidays. Between Nessa's birthday and Lurlinemas, it's… well, let's just say it's a time for family."

Elphaba said all this without once looking at Nessa, who sat in her chair nearby the carriage, just outside the small group Galinda had gathered to mourn her two weeks without Elphaba.

"_Finnnnnne_," Galinda moaned. "I will miss you so much. I'm simply devastrated."

To prove her point, Galinda shoved her face into Fiyero's shoulder and began to let out loud, fake sobs.

Elphaba caught Fiyero's eye and raised her eyebrows. He did the same before they both simultaneously rolled their eyes.

"What a touching display of grief," Elphaba remarked flatly.

She placed a gentle hand on Galinda's shoulder, causing the petite blonde woman to immediately turn and shove her face into Elphaba's shoulder.

"Oh, for Oz sake," Elphaba said, trying not to chuckle as she pushed Galinda off of her. "It's only two weeks. We'll be back for the start of the new year. I'm sure you'll survive until then."

Galinda tried to argue, but Fiyero saved the day. After a quick hug for Elphaba, he managed to drag Galinda away (kicking and screaming). Soon Boq, Avaric, and some other onlookers followed suit, leaving Elphaba and Nessa alone.

"Are we finally ready, Miss Thropp?" the driver called out once she noticed the others had left.

Both Nessa and Elphaba opened their mouths to reply, but Nessa stopped herself.

"One moment, Luca," Elphaba called back.

Luca huffed as Elphaba turned and looked at Nessa for the first time since the younger sister had arrived.

"Are you ready?" Elphaba asked in a quiet voice devoid of any emotion.

"Yes. I think I am," Nessa said, casting a final glance over the carriage before nodding.

"I mean are you ready for me to pick you up?" Elphaba clarified, her jaw clenching.

"Oh, yes. That too."

Nessa tucked her journal into her coat pocket and put her arms around Elphaba's neck.

Elphaba groaned slightly as she lifted Nessa into the carriage and placed her on the seat.

Before Nessa could say anything, Elphaba hopped down from the carriage again to secure Nessa's chair to the carriage. The moment it was quickly tightened down, Elphaba climbed back in and slapped the roof of the carriage.

There was the sound of reins snapping and the carriage lurched forward.

"Thank you," Nessa said before she lost the chance to. "For helping me in. And for helping with my chair. I really appreciate it."

"Mmm-hmm."

Without another word, Elphaba disappeared behind a newspaper.

Nessa considered pulling out her journal, but hesitated.

They had nearly an hour and half together in the small carriage. If she started reading through it or writing down her thoughts now, she could easily become lost in it and lose the time they had together.

"How have you-" Nessa began quietly before pedering off at Elphaba's lack of response.

She waited a few more minutes before trying again.

"Miss Galinda seemed very upset that you were leaving. I'm glad you've found such a good friend in her. Even if she is a little… dramatic."

"I rather like Miss Galinda's dramatics, thank you very much," Elphaba snapped from behind her newspaper.

"I didn't mean…"

Nessa sighed and adjusted herself into a more comfortable position on the bench seat.

Without warning, the top half of the newspaper folded over, leaving Elphaba face to face with a very cross Elphaba.

"I sincerely hope that you don't expect me to have changed my mind since the last time we spoke. And certainly not to have forgiven you for it."

"I don't. No," Nessa said, shaking her head. "I understand why-"

"No, you don't," Elphaba interrupted. "You really don't. That's the whole point. You _don't_ understand what you're saying and what it means."

Elphaba closed the newspaper and sat forward to make direct eye contact with Nessa.

"You've listened to him for years and years and years. Years and years of listening to his lies. You said what he said. You did what he did. You've hurt me just as much as he did. So, listen to me when I say you don't just get to start blaming it on him and pretending you're off scott free. Do you understand me?"

"I do. And Elphaba, I'm sorry. I am really, really sorry. I know that I've hurt you and I want to make it up to you. But… but I don't know how to do that. So, all I can say is 'I'm sorry'."

Nessa inhaled deeply, but said no more. Elphaba frowned.

"What? No 'I really am'?"

Nessa raised an eyebrow.

"Would it make a difference?"

"No."

Nessa inclined her head slightly, her brows raised, as if to say 'There you go'.

Silence fell again between the sisters, but Elphaba did not reopen her newspaper.

Instead, she just watched Nessa stare out the window through narrowed eyes.

"Are you going to cry?" Elphaba asked bitterly.

Nessa looked confused, evidently caught off guard by the question.

"No. Why would I do that?"

"Because this is usually the part where you cry so I'll feel guilty and comfort you so in the end, you still get your way."

Nessa heaved a sigh and ran her hands over her face.

"I'm not going to do that because that is manipulative and I'm really working hard on _not_ being manipulative," Nessa stated, her voice almost weary. "I know that I've hurt you in the past. I know that I said and did things that I can never make up for, but I really am trying to not do the same things in the future. I swear. I really am sorry, Elphaba. For everything.

"And I know that all this sounds like an excuse, but I swear it's not supposed to be. I _did_ make choices to do things and say things even though I knew that it was manipulating other people. But… but there is a difference. There is a distinct difference between _me_ choosing to manipulate people and him manipulating me to manipulate other people and you.

"When I say that it was him messing me up, it's because there is no other explanation for it. Where else could I have learned to be like that if not from him? It was just the three of us. It has always just been the three of us. And I know I didn't learn all this from you."

Nessa ran her hands over her face once more. She knew the words needed to come out, to finally have this conversation with Elphaba, but it didn't make it any less difficult or her any less tired.

"When I first told you about this, it was thinking and processing and remembering. Putting what was disconnected back together. But now it's unlearning. Unlearning everything I was ever taught. And it is absolutely terrible. It's the right thing to do and I'm not going to stop me doing it, but it has been hell on Oz.

"It is _ingrained _in me. It has affected everything I've ever done. And I can't change what I've done in the past. But I can change the future and I can make sure I don't hurt you again. I can be better from here on out."

When Nessa had finished, Elphaba crossed her arms and turned to look out the window.

The rolling hills and farmland that signaled their entry into Munchkinland were familiar, but not in a good way. Elphaba had grown accustomed to the brick buildings and cobblestone streets of Shiz. They signified love and warmth. The hills and farms of home only signified hurt and heartache.

"I really missed you," Nessa said in a small voice.

Elphaba looked back to her.

This time Nessa would not look at her. She stared up at the roof of the ceiling, and though there were tears in her eyes, something told Elphaba that these ones she could not control.

"I took you for granted," she continued. "You have always done so much for me and I never have thanked you for it. I've never thanked anyone for anything.

"These past few months have been the worst I've ever endured. And I know you've endured worse, I know, and I'm not taking away from that, but, for me, these have been the worst."

Nessa rubbed the bridge of her nose, her eyes squeezed shut. When she opened them, Elphaba could see her pleading through them.

"Without you, or Boq, or father… It really struck me how I don't have anyone else. All of this has been alone. And that's why when you helped me up today, I said I really appreciate it _because I do_. I appreciate everything you've ever done for me. And I've never said it.

"I miss you. I miss you so much and I am _so, so_ sorry. I want to make it up to you. Tell- I mean… Please tell me how to do that."

Elphaba said nothing. Instead, she turned back to the window.

But she was still watching Nessa out of the corner of her eye.

The younger sister had closed her eyes again. Her shoulders relaxed as she took slow, deep breaths.

"Are… are you praying?"

"No. I'm just breathing," Nessa replied without opening her eyes. "Why would I pray? I don't really… do that."

"That's what I was going to say. And I was going to ask where you picked it up, since we're not exactly the most religious people ever," Elphaba said, smoothing out the paper on her lap. "It's not like they call father 'Frexspar the Godly' or something."

She shook her head slightly at the thought.

"Who would I even pray _to_?" Nessa thought aloud.

She opened her eyes, but her brow remained furrowed.

"Up to you," Elphaba answered with a small shrug. "The Unnamed God? Lurline? You could even join the Pleasure Faithers. I'm not sure what it is they worship but you could try it."

Nessa returned the small shrug, but the thought held on the rest of their trip to the Governor's Mansion.

If she believed in some kind of deity or some greater power, what would she believe? What would she _want _to believe? What would give her the most… comfort? Inspiration? Faith?

And what would she pray _for_?

Before, she may have prayed for healing, to be able to walk. She knew better than to wish for it, and had accepted that it was just how it was a long time ago. But the idea of _praying_ for it sounded too much like her father.

It was his wish, not hers. And it was only his words that had even made her yearn for it the way she used to.

No, that's not what she would pray for. Perhaps she'd pray for more ramps into buildings and easier access into the buildings once inside, but not to change that part of her.

Because that's what it was- a part of her. Not good nor bad. Just… a part.

"Whoa there!" both sisters heard the driver shout.

Almost immediately, the horses pulling the carriage began to slow and automatically, both sisters looked out the window.

Sure enough, the Governor's Mansion loomed large and dark in front of them.

Elphaba jumped down from the carriage and began unloading Nessa's chair as well as the luggage. Once everything was down, she returned to the carriage to help Nessa.

"Whatever you do," Elphaba muttered as she placed Nessa into her chair. "Do _not_ mention what you've been talking about to father, you understand? You wanted to know what to do to make up stuff to me? Do that. Keep your mouth shut."

Nessa nodded and started forward towards the door. It was then that she knew exactly what she'd pray for: Strength. For both of them.

"Elphaba! Don't dawdle. You'll make everything late. And you _will _be punished for it if you do," Frex called before they had even crossed the threshold.

Strength, Nessa thought. And safety_._


	4. Chapter 4

_December 1895_

"Nessarose, my dear," Frex greeted lovingly as Nessarose entered the front door. "I have missed you so much these long few months."

He leaned over to hug her and Nessa was struck by how his hug felt so comforting but at the same time so wrong. And almost instantly she realized exactly how dangerous being in this house was going to be to the changes she had been working so hard on.

"You must be so tired after such a long trip. Why don't you go freshen up?" Frex said, patting Nessa gently on the shoulder before straightening up and turning to Elphaba. "You. Go with your sister. Assist her in getting ready."

"Father, please," Nessa said unthinkingly. "I can freshen up on my own."

That look, that _coldness_ that Nessa had started to recognize in the memories she had dug up from far back flashed in her father's eyes. But it was not his hand that settled on her shoulder in reassurance.

"But you would appreciate assistance, wouldn't you?" Elphaba suggested.

Her tone was one of energy and vibrance Frex expected from his elder daughter when discussing Nessa's care, but the way her fingers dug into Nessa shoulder indicated her true meaning.

"I mean… I guess I do?" Nessa said slowly, looking up at Elphaba.

She looked back to her father just in time to see the coldness melt away. It was replaced with the warmth she was so used to. It made her insides feel funny.

The way he looked at her. So… _loving_. Like he truly had her best interests at heart.

Did he believe that?

She had been so preoccupied with the fact that he had been so controlling of her and that his manipulation had made her herself manipulative that she hadn't even stopped to consider that perhaps he didn't see anything wrong with what he was doing.

Nessa continued to consider this all the way into her bedroom. But the door snapped shut and Elphaba turned on her before she could even begin to think about it deeper.

"_You can't do that_," Elphaba hissed, her voice urgent but quiet enough not to be heard beyond the door. "You can't turn him down like that or you'll cause trouble."

"I'm just changing. I don't need your help to change. I don't _want _your help to change," Nessa said quickly, dropping her voice to match her sister's. "And I certainly don't want to change in front of you."

"That part doesn't matter. You just have to say yes, okay? Whenever he asks you if you want help or he tells me to help you, _just say yes_."

"But I don't _need _your help," Nessa repeated. "That's part of the-the…. the, oh I don't know, manipulation? Control?"

"Yes, but it's also part of the balance. You can't change just one thing and think nothing else will change. What you do affects him which affects me."

Elphaba dropped onto Nessa's bed and laid back. She stared up at the ceiling of Nessa's room, so bright and clean compared to her own overgrown closet next door.

"That's something you need to consider as you go through working on all this," Elphaba continued. "All of this goes the way it does because… well, because that's the way it does. It's not just about you. It's about all of us. It's about me too."

Nessa considered this for a moment before she leaned over to untie her boots and unlock her leg braces. Carefully, she set them aside before opening the wardrobe.

Elphaba could just make out the contents of Nessa's wardrobe from where she lay on the bed. Had it _always_ bore such a resemblance to Galinda's wardrobe? Had there always been that many dresses in such bright colors?

Elphaba's heart gave a jolt as she thought about Galinda and Fiyero. Surely, they had reached the Vinkus by now. What were they doing without her?

Kissing, Elphaba supposed.

The thought of Fiyero and Galinda kissing sent another jolt through her heart, this time far more painful than the first.

She figured it was because she may be jealous. That she may be wishing that one of them was kissing _her_, but for the life of her, she couldn't figure out which one.

"_GIRLS!_" Frex shouted from the hallway. "Is something wrong? What's taking so long?"

"Just another tock-tick," Elphaba shouted back.

Both she and Nessa, who was returning from the bathroom having changed from her uniform into a simple purple dress, could hear Frex huff from beyond the door.

"Better get going," Elphaba muttered before glancing at Nessa. "Are you ready?"

Nessa nodded and allowed Elphaba to hold the door open for her. The following return down the short hallway seemed to last for eternity.

"Wonderful, wonderful," Frex sighed as Nessa (and Elphaba) took their places at the long wooden dining table. "I figured we would eat in here to celebrate the occasion of your return. I had the cook prepare all your favorite food and a special dessert too. All for you, my dear."

Nessa mustered her most sincere smile, which Frex did not buy.

"Is something wrong?" Frex frowned. "You seem unhappy."

"Oh… Oh, no!" Nessa said quickly, shaking her head. "I'm… I'm very pleased. And grateful. Very grateful."

Frex didn't appear any more convinced, but the arrival of the cook prevented him from pressing further. By the time the clatter of plates and dishes being set on the table died down, he had moved on.

"Now," he began between bites of chicken. "I want to hear all about your classes. Did you enjoy them?"

"Yes."

"How do you think they will affect your rule as Governor?"

Nessa took a bite of her dinner to buy a moment's consideration.

If she were to answer honestly, she would tell him that she really didn't want to be the Governor of Munchkinland. It had always been _his_ plan for her, not her own, and as she worked on changing her behavior and making her own choices, she had decided she did not want to rule over anyone for any reason.

But she couldn't say that.

In any other family, it would be because she didn't have an alternate plan, or even an idea, in mind. But in this family, if she said that, her sister would bear the brunt of her father's anger.

"All the information was so… important, that it's hard to pick certain parts out."

Nessa could feel his eyes boring into her, but continued to avoid eye contact by continuing to focus on her food.

"Of course. That's why I picked them," he said finally. "But there are some topics that are more important than others. You're probably just tired of thinking about them. Exams have just ended after all. Once you've had a few days to rest, you and I can discuss the finer details of your class work and its effect on governing in my study."

He flashed Elphaba a look of disdain, as if the reason he and Nessa had to meet in his study was because of her presence in the house, but she was so used to the looks that it barely registered.

"What I would like to know right now," Frex continued, "is how suitable your lodgings with Madame Morrible were. How was her compartment? Did you have any issues?"

"Yes, actually," Nessa replied before she could stop herself.

Both Elphaba and Frex stiffened.

"What was wrong with them?" Frex asked in a tone much darker than before.

"Well, for one, I wish you would have told me that I was to live in her compartment," Nessa stated, setting down her fork. "We were - I mean, _I _was under the impression that I was to live with Elphaba. That _she_ would be the one to… assist me."

The last two words felt nasty on her tongue. These past few months, she had worked so hard not to use them, not even to _think_ of them, and here she was saying them aloud.

"I had planned on that at first, yes," Frex admitted. "But in discussions with Madame Morrible about your class schedule and needs, we determined it would be much better for you to share her compartment. She would provide much better assistance than _she_ would."

Frex jerked his head down the table where Elphaba sat.

Elphaba barely registered that comment either as she was too busy wishing she sat closer to Nessa and could give her chair a swift kick.

"But, sir… I mean, father, I would have preferred to live with Elphaba-"

"Has Madame Morrible not been accommodating?"

"No. I mean, yes, she has, but I just meant that-"

"So, you don't need assistance?"

"_I didn't say that_," Nessa spat, losing control of her tone for the first time so far during this visit. "I do on occasion, but not as often as you think, and Madame Morrible's quarters are much further away from the classroom buildings and other dormitories-"

"So, Madame Morrible has not assisted you as much as you need?" Frex offered, narrowing his eyes.

"_Madame Morrible does not assist me!_"

There was much more that Nessa wanted to add to that thought, but she froze wide-eyed at the words she had let escape. Luckily, or perhaps _unluckily_, both her sister and father had frozen in the same second in the same way.

"What do you mean Madame Morrible does not assist you?" Frex said angrily. "That was part of our contract. She was supposed to assist you as needed."

"And she has," Nessa added quickly. "As needed, yes. But she's away a lot. Her butler Ralf will assists me when she's not here-"

"Nessarose, if I wanted your care to be in the hands of a Rat butler, I would have boarded you with Elphaba."

Elphaba knew full well that the comment was meant to be an insult, and she would surely be punished for Nessa's anger later, but there was a dark part of her that was thoroughly enjoying how angry Nessa was making their father.

"I can have it arranged that you live in a solo room in the dormitory towers," Frex growled. "If you want to live alone that badly, then we can have it arranged."

"Father, I didn't say that," Nessa cried frustratedly. "I just meant that… I do want assistance. Sometimes. But I can do more on my own than you give me credit for and- and… Honestly, I just wished I would have known about it before I went to school."

Nessa broke eye contact with her father, both breathing hard. She returned her attention to her meal and consciously relaxed her fists, which she had been clenching so hard that her knuckles had gone white.

Though neither Elphaba nor Nessa would look at him, they could hear Frex's seething anger in the violent stabs of his fork on the plate as he resumed eating.

Nessa fought back both her guilt at what this would mean for Elphaba later as well as the bubble of anger she had not realized had grown so big over the last few months.

"Do you want assistance or not?"

"I want to assistance somet-"

"_Do you want assistance or not?_"

"Father, I want help somet-"

"_IT IS A YES OR NO QUESTION, NESSAROSE," _Frex roared. "_YES OR NO?"_

Frex's fist came down hard on the table. Every plate jumped, silverware clattering against the polished wood.

Both Nessa and Elphaba flinched hard.

Immediately, Frex's whole demeanor changed. The expression so full of rage transformed instantaneously into one of remorse.

"Oh my dear, dear Nessarose," he said softly, rising at once to attend to his youngest daughter. "I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. Please forgive me. I just care about you so and I want you taken care of."

Nessa said nothing. She stared at her father and forced herself not to flinch again as he knelt beside her chair and stroked her arm.

"It- It's alright," Nessa lied. "It's- It's okay."

Frex hung his head in shame and Nessa found herself patting the hand laid on her shoulder reassuringly.

"I… I am very tired," she squeaked. "I think I just want to take a bath and go to bed. If that's alright with you."

"Of course, my dear," Frex murmured. "Yes, yes. Whatever you want, my dear."

"Elph- Elphaba?" Nessa said softly, turning from her father to her sister. "Will… Will you come draw the bath for me?"

"I need to speak to your sister," Frex muttered. "You retire to your room and your sister will be along shortly."

"No," Nessa responded firmly. "I want Elphaba with me. To… assist me."

Frex considered her for a moment before he gave her a soft smile.

"Of course, my dear. Of course," Frex said, nodding, before his head snapped in the direction of Elphaba. "Elphaba. Go draw a bath for your sister."

"Yes, sir," Elphaba replied, out of her chair before Frex could finish his sentence.

Nessa let Elphaba wheel her away in the direction of the bedrooms.

Once there, she managed to tell Elphaba that she didn't really mean for her to run a bath but rather to get her out of their father's grasp and suggested Elphaba sneak back to her room through their connected bathroom.

Elphaba opened her mouth to say something, but seemed to decide otherwise. Instead, she just nodded and left Nessa be.

She still ran the bath though. Nessa could hear the water running shortly after Elphaba left the room. Her natural instinct was to be frustrated at having her directions ignored, but a calmer voice in her head rationalized that Frex was listening for the sound and it was safest to let the water run.

The bath water was very nearly cold by the time Nessa decided to get into the bathtub.

It had been designed and built especially for her by one of the top architects in all of Oz. Deeper than a typical bathtub, it had been fitted with a special door and had a seat hewn from the stone.

She drained it and refilled it with hot water, the wet stone cold against her skin.

As the water rose over her feet, it occurred to her how unique this bathtub really was. It had been expensive, that she knew, but her father had always told her that he would never spare an expense to make sure she was taken care of. And though she knew that money had not been invested in Elphaba in the same way, that didn't take away from the fact that they had money to spare.

How many other fathers out there wished they could do that for their children? To be able to spare no expense on them?

She had never before considered that. _Really _considered that.

How many children, how many _people_, used a wheelchair like she did across Munchkinland? Across all Oz? How many may not use a wheelchair but were disabled nonetheless?

Could they get what they needed? What did they do if they couldn't?

The water rose to her waist and Nessa reached to turn it off.

The steam coiled and spun off from the water. She traced her finger through the wisps as they floated before bringing her hand to her forehead.

She had never argued with her father like that before. _Never_. And never had he ever been so angry with her. That anger was usually reserved for Elphaba.

Nessa buried her head in both her hands.

How could she have before just sat there and let that happen? How could she have not defended Elphaba before? When Elphaba had always done so much for her?

Water dripped down Nessa's face. She was unsure of whether it was bath water or tears. And she honestly didn't care about the answer.

What she _did _care about was Elphaba. And it pained Nessa that after her bath, she chose to lay in bed instead of go comfort her sister as Elphaba would have done.

"How are you feeling?"

Nessa raised her head from the pillow.

Elphaba hovered near the door to the bathroom. She was dressed in her nightgown, her hair falling over her shoulder in its typical braid.

Nessa adjusted herself into a sitting position.

"Fine. How are you?"

"Fine," Elphaba replied, shrugging.

"Elphaba, I'm sorry. I didn't listen to you," Nessa apologized, rubbing her temple. "You told me not to say anything. To just keep it the same, to just keep things like normal, and I didn't do that. I'm so sorry. He's- He's going to get mad and take it out on you and I should have seen that and stopped but-"

"You stopped _him._ You might not have done what I asked, but you did stop him," Elphaba said softly. She took a seat at the foot of the bed. "You brought me back here with you without being asked to. That stopped him from doing what he usually would. That's new. And that's just as good."

Ice dropped into Nessa's stomach.

"Is that how it …" Nessa said quietly. "Is that how you've always felt? That scared of him?"

"Eh." Elphaba shrugged again. "I got used to it eventually."

"But is that how you felt?"

Elphaba let out a sigh.

"Yes."

"I'm so sorry, Elphaba," Nessa wept, her words almost lost in her tears. "I am so, so sorry. For so long, I didn't pay attention. I just let it happen and I am _so, so _sorry. I should have listened to you. This time and all the times before."

"I appreciate your apology."

Nessa buried her face in her hands once more and let out a shudder.

Elphaba automatically pulled a blanket over her exposed legs. She ran a gentle, green hand over the blanket, smoothing out the wrinkles even long after the wrinkles were gone.

"You're incredible."

Elphaba stopped stroking Nessa's legs and looked up at her. At the look on Elphaba's face, Nessa's expression grew worried.

"Did I say something wrong? I'm so sorry-"

"No, no," Elphaba said quickly, shaking her head and resuming the soft strokes. "It's just… not what I expected you to say."

"It's true," Nessa said softly. "To go through that your whole life and to end up kind. To still care about things and people and… and me. You're just so strong. Incredible."

"Thank you, Nessa."

Nessa gulped and nodded. But her chest continued to heave and tears continued to fall.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I can't stop-"

"It's okay," Elphaba reassured. "This is normal. It happens to me sometimes. It really hits you afterwards when you're away from it. When you relax."

Elphaba climbed onto the bed and crawled on the far side of Nessa. She nudged Nessa into lying back down and then wrapped her in her arms.

They laid like that for a long time.

Nessa sobbed into Elphaba's chest as Elphaba rubbed her back. They both wondered how many times Elphaba had done this alone and both promised themselves they would never let that happen again.

"I think that if there is a god out there, some kind of deity that controls the universe," Elphaba murmured. "I think they made us sisters on purpose. They put us together because they knew we were going to go through some shit."


	5. Chapter 5

_January 1896_

The rest of the holiday break passed as if someone had poured water onto the sand of an hourglass.

The days dragged on longer and longer, but they still continued on and soon enough, Nessa, Elphaba, and Frex were in a carriage back to Shiz.

"I think we should have dinner," Frex suggested to Nessa as Elphaba unloaded Nessa's luggage from the carriage. "After I discuss the coming semester with you and Madame Morrible."

Nessa gave a small sound of acknowledgment before picking up a suitcase and putting it on her lap.

"Oh, no, my dear," Frex corrected, picking the suitcase up and shoving it into nearby Elphaba's arms. "Your sister can carry that."

"Yes, father," Nessa replied tiredly.

Frex smiled and led the way into Madame Morrible's quarters.

"Hello, Governor Thropp," Morrible greeted warmly as the three Thropps entered. "And Misses Nessarose and Elphaba."

"Madame Morrible," Frex returned before either daughter could reply. "So good to see you again."

Frex nodded his daughters off and he and Morrible stepped away in hushed conversation.

"To your room then?" Elphaba offered.

Nessa nodded and the pair continued on to the hallway and eventually to Nessa's room. She had forgotten how small it was compared to her room at home.

"Would you like help unpacking at all?"

"No, thank you," Nessa said with a small smile. "I can manage that on my own. You should go to your room. I'm sure Miss Galinda is just bursterating to see you."

"All the more reason to hang around for a few more moments," Elphaba sighed. "Perhaps she'll wear herself out and then we can have a quiet reunion like normal people would."

Nessa rolled her eyes, smiling.

"I'd think it would be in your best interest to face it sooner rather than later. It seems more likely to grow than to abate. You wouldn't want her to get _more_ excited, would you?"

"You make a fair point," Elphaba acknowledged. "Perhaps I should go. Will you be alright on your own?"

"Only dinner and a meeting. I think I can manage that," Nessa said. "Then I get several months free of him."

There was noise beyond the hallway.

"You better get going," Nessa said with a sigh. "I'd tell you to take the back exit but I've never been able to get the door unlocked."

She motioned to the large padlocked door on the outside wall. Through the windows, Elphaba could see a small courtyard and stone wall.

To Nessa's surprise, Elphaba stepped forward towards the door.

She waved a hand over the lock, her eyes squeezed tight.

There was silence for a moment. Then, the lock clicked and fell away from the door.

"How long have you been able to do that?" Nessa asked in awe.

"Not long," Elphaba said, smiling as she picked up the lock from the floor. "Learned it at the end of last semester for my final exam with Morrible. Quite useful for a quick getaway, huh?"

"Or breaking and entering."

"It's a good thing that I use my powers for good and not evil then, yes?"

She turned back to Nessa and gave her a hug.

"Good luck," she murmured, pushing a loose piece of hair from Nessa's face. "Join us after dinner if you're up to it. Fiyero's house on the edge of campus. If you survive, that is."

Elphaba smirked and turned back to the door. She gripped the handle and pulled hard. It released with a loud groan and released her into the night.

Nessa watched the darkness until her father returned.

"Are you hungry, my dear? How about dinner?"

Nessa turned to look at him.

"I thought we were going to meet first? With Madame Morrible? About next semester?"

Frex waved her away.

"The meeting can wait until after dinner. Besides, Madame Morrible has dinner plans of her own," Frex explained. "We can have a nice dinner. You won't be seeing this old man for several months after tonight. You do want to spend a nice dinner with me, don't you?"

There it was again: The question of choice where her answer didn't matter.

She was proven right in this fact by the fact that she didn't even answer him and yet she still found herself entering a cafe on campus with him not fifteen minutes later.

"Here you go, my dear," Frex said, pulling a chair out of a space at a table far off to the side of the restaurant. "Nice and private. A quiet dinner."

Nessa wheeled herself into the space opened for her. Frex took his seat opposite her.

"Have you been here before?" Frex asked as he and Nessa opened their menus.

"No, I don't believe I have."

Nessa scanned the menu, making mental notes of possible options between the thudding beats of her heart.

"Anything look good, my dear?"

"The… salad looks nice," Nessa answered. "Or the shepherd's pie."

"The pie is too heavy," Frex commented. "Perhaps a soup?"

"I do enjoy soup…" Nessa began to say before she caught herself. "... But I think I want shepherd's pie."

Frex inhaled slightly, but said nothing.

They continued to peruse the menus until the waiter came over to them.

"Good evening," the young man greeted. "Can I get you something to drink?"

"I should certainly hope so, seeing as you are our waiter," Frex said curtly. "We will both have a water and I will have a glass of your finest Vinkun wine. And you can take our orders too, since you're here. A steak, well-done, with potatoes and greens. And she'll have the salad and soup."

"I said shepherd's pie," Nessa said to Frex before turning to the waiter. "Not the soup and salad. Just shepherd's pie."

"Nessarose, I am paying for our supper. My selection or none at all," Frex hissed.

Nessa _really_ wanted to say 'None at all', but the dinner was a small battle in a much longer war.

"Yes, of course," Nessa sighed, handing the menu to the waiter. "Soup and salad."

The waiter took them, and nodded before escaping as fast as was professionally acceptable.

Nessa folded her hands in her lap.

There was part of her that felt like she needed to apologize to her father, but the voice in her head telling her that she had nothing to apologize to him for was louder.

"Are you excited for the coming semester?"

Nessa nodded, willing herself to be as quiet and demure as he expected. Her will was strong (it always had been) but the thought process she was trying to learn and the one she was trying to unlearn were in constant competition.

"Yes, sir," Nessa replied quietly. "I'm rather looking forward to some of the classes offered this semester."

"Oh, yes? Which ones?"

"Well, I rather enjoyed philosophy last semester, so I am excited to dig deeper into that. And I think there is a financial class… about laws and money? That sounds rather interesting."

"Mmm-hmmm," Frex said, taking a sip from the wine the waiter had dropped off at their table. "I thought that perhaps you were thinking about some other kind of classes this term."

"Oh? And what… what is it you thought I would take?"

"Well, Madame Morrible is under the impression that you have other interests outside of governing," Frex explained. "Other _career_ interests."

"I… I have no idea what- _why_ she should think that," Nessa said quickly (perhaps _too _quickly).

"Madame Morrible hears everything that happens on campus."

Frex let the statement hang in the air as he swirled his wine.

"What… What did she tell you she heard?" Nessa asked in a slightly shaky voice.

"She said she heard rumors that you were not interested in being the Governor of Munchkinland."

Nessa paled.

"I… I never said that. I never said I didn't want to be the Governor."

"Did you think it?" Frex asked, staring icily. "Do you not want to be the Governor?"

Nessa's heart was no beating so hard that she couldn't think straight.

She did _not _want to be the Governor.

When all this had started with the realization that her father never let her make her own choices, that had been the biggest and most clear example of all.

Every moment as long as she can remember, she had been _told_ that she would be the Governor. It was as ingrained in her as the manipulation and the negative view of her disability.

But she had been unlearning the other stuff. She could unlearn this too.

"I have not decided."

"You have not _what_?"

"I have not decided if I want to be the Governor," Nessa repeated, a little stronger this time. "It's a very big responsibility and I have not decided if it's a responsibility I want."

"It's not a decision for you to make," Frex said in a low dark voice. "It is your birthright. It is your future."

"But I don't think I want that future."

_BANG_

Vinkun wine and broke glass poured over the table. Frex cursed loudly and shouted for the staff to clean it up.

"Are you alright, father?" Nessa asked, concerned. "Did it cut you?"

"I'm fine. I'm fine," Frex spat. "I'm just upset by that."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you like that," Nessa apologized, though inside she was cursing herself.

The waiter returned once more to replace their tableware. Nessa wheeled herself backwards a bit to let the staff change it over, but Frex remained frozen, forcing the staff to work around him. Never once did his eyes leave Nessa's.

Once everything had been replaced, including the tablecloth, Nessa gave them a word of thanks and retook her place. They were alone once again.

"This is your sister's fault."

"What?" Nessa exclaimed. "No, it's not. Why would you say that?"

"Your sister has always worked to turn you against me," Frex asserted. "Perhaps she wants to be the Governor or perhaps she just wants to anger me. Either way, this goes back to her."

"_No, it does not_," Nessa hissed. "It is _my _decision. Me and me alone. It is my decision and Elphaba has nothing to do with it. If you want to blame someone, blame Shiz. Blame the knowledge and the education for opening my mind, for the learning and the growth _you_ wanted from me."

"It's decided then," Frex continued, ignoring Nessa completely. "You're living with Madame Morrible. She is there to assist you. I sent Elphaba with you to get her out of the house, but clearly she is having too much influence while there. You came to school to become the Governor. Elphaba does not need to be here."

Without warning, Frex stood and turned to walk out of the restaurant.

"Where are you going?" Nessa called after him. "Father?"

She pulled a few bills from her bag, not caring about their denominations, and tossed them on the table before following her father out of the cafe.

"Father? Father, please slow down!" Nessa shouted as she struggled to keep up with her father stalking up the hill towards Madame Morrible's quarters.

"Governor?" Morrible greeted hesitantly as Frex stormed through the door. "I thought we agreed to speak later on. I have guests…"

Morrible's guests, seemingly a few professors or perhaps local leaders based on their clothing, stared uncomfortably as Frex stalked up to Madame Morrible. He seemed completely unaware that they were even there.

"Madame Morrible," Frex began as Nessa crossed the threshold, panting. "It has come to my attention that I have been in error. Both of my daughters have been studying at your school but that should never have happened. As Head Shiztress, I am calling upon you to do your duty. You must expel my daughter. She has been too much of a bad influence on her sister and it is time I rectify that."

"Father, you can't!" Nessa shouted, but her words fell on deaf ears.

As far as Frex was concerned, his younger daughter was not even in the room.

Nessa could see ringed fingers wave the visitors off into a side room. Morrible distracted Frex with a comforting (and fake) smile as the others hurried off, leaving Morrible, Frex, and Nessa alone.

"Well, sir," Morrible soothed in a sickly sweet. "Perhaps we should discuss this further before we make irrational-"

"_I AM NOT BEING IRRATIONAL_."

Nessa had to admire the way Madame Morrible could stand there and get yelled at without batting an eye.

"Of course, sir," Madame Morrible said in a low, calm voice. "I will take care of it."

Frex didn't move for a moment. He just stared at Morrible, his jaw set. He was vibrating with anger like he had the first night of their break.

Then he nodded. It was only once, stiff and curt, but it was a nod nonetheless.

He spun on his heel and stalked forward, past Nessa, and out the door without another word to anyone.

Now it was just Nessa and Morrible together in the foyer.

"Madame Morrible, please," Nessa whispered, her voice barely audible. "You can't. Elphaba had nothing to do with why father is mad. Please don't expel her."

"I have little choice, Miss Thropp," Morrible sighed, still staring at the open door. "Your father is a powerful man."

Nessa's chest clenched painfully.

This wasn't Elphaba's fault but she was going to face the punishment nonetheless. No matter how hard Nessa tried to stop it, to take the blame and the consequences of her own decisions and behaviors, she couldn't stop her father.

She couldn't let that happen.

And in that moment, it became clear. All the choices, all the changes, all the realizations…

_You came here to become the Governor. Elphaba does not need to be here._

She didn't want to be the Governor. That was not her destiny anymore.

She was the one who did not need to be here.

"Expel me."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Expel _me_," Nessa repeated. "He ordered you expel his daughter. I'm his daughter too. Expel me."

"Miss Thropp, your father ordered me to-"

"To expel his daughter," Nessa finished.

"Yes," Madame Morrible said, continuing as if not interrupted. "And if I were to expel you in place of your sister, then I would be in serious trouble."

"He never specified which daughter," Nessa pointed out, a smile starting to creep over her face. "It will be his fault, not yours."

Madame Morrible considered Nessa's offer.

"Please, Madame," Nessa said quietly, pushing herself forward until she was even with the older woman. "I can't let Elphaba be punished for this. This is my responsibility, not hers. Expel me instead."

There was a moment of silence. Nessa could barely breathe.

"Fine."

Nessa's heart dropped and leapt at the same time, leaving it stranded somewhere near where it had started but tighter and beating faster.

"Are you… Really?"

"Yes," Madame Morrible said, looking down at Nessa. "That is what you wanted, yes?"

"Yes, yes," Nessa nodded. "Yes."

"You have three days time to clear your room," Madame Morrible said as she turned away from Nessa. "After that, anything left will be thrown in the garbage."

Madame Morrible continued on towards the foyer into her own room where her guests were waiting for the scene to be over.

"Oh and Miss Thropp?"

"Yes, Madame?"

"Perhaps next time you have personal conversations with confidants regarding your father, you should not have them within earshot of the person paid to watch over you by your father."


	6. Chapter 6

_January 1895_

Nessa sat on the sofa in Fiyero's living room as Elphaba paced back and forth in front of her.

"I just don't understand how you could be so _stupid_?"

"Elphie!" Galinda gasped. "Don't say that!"

"Well?" Elphaba said, turning on Galinda. "It is. This was an incredibly stupid decision and I need to rectify it."

"Elphaba, please-"

"Be quiet, Nessa," Elphaba snapped as she resumed her pacing.

"But Elphie-"

"You too, Glin."

Galinda, who had been following Elphaba back and forth as she paced, walked straight into Elphaba's back when Elphaba stopped suddenly in realization.

"I'll go to Madame Morrible. I'll tell her to change it. To make it right," Elphaba stated as if it had been decided by the whole group.

"Elphaba," Fiyero said quietly as he laid a gentle hand on Elphaba's shoulder. "Do you really think that's such a good idea? Maybe you should just sit down for a moment and collect your thoughts."

"Collect my thoughts?" Elphaba said, letting out a mirth-filled laugh. "You're one to offer, Fiyero."

"Elphaba, please sit down."

"I said be _quiet_, Nessa."

"Miss Elphaba, If I may," Boq began.

Elphaba whipped around, her gaze pointed and deadly as she zeroed in on the Munchkinlander, who was momentarily very happy that he was on the far side of the sofa from the green woman.

"You most certainly may _not_."

"Elphaba, please," Fiyero and Galinda both said at the same time.

Elphaba stiffened. She crossed her arms and Fiyero waved Boq on.

"Go ahead."

"I just wanted to say that I think the only person who has a right to be angry about this is Miss Nessarose and she seems like the only person who is not particularly angry right now."

The group stared at Boq. Even Nessa looked up at him and muttered a quiet "Thank you."

All eyes moved from Boq to her.

"He's right," she began before any of them could speak. "I'm the one who should be upset about this and… honestly? I'm not upset at all. I'm happy. _Very _happy."

"No, you're not," Elphaba said, shaking her head. "You're just in shock. You'll be angry about this soon. Once you've realized what you've done."

"_Elphaba_, _you're not listening to me,_" Nessa hissed. "You're doing what he used to do. You're telling me how I feel. But the truth is I feel great. I'm not in shock. I'm just… relieved."

"But you'll be angry later," Elphaba said, her voice almost a whine as she tried to make her sister understand. "You'll be angry later and you'll be angry with me."

"Even if I am, _which I won't be_," Nessa added before Elphaba could get a word in to the contrary, "this was my decision. And I will face the consequences myself."

"Where will you live, Nessa? Madame Morrible kicked you out too. I'd offer our room, but it's three flights up."

"I could probably help with that," Fiyero cut in, earning him a dangerous look from Elphaba. "She can stay here. As long as Nessa doesn't mind the couch for a few days, that is."

Fiyero looked to the younger Thropp sister, who smiled broadly and nodded. He looked back to Elphaba, who still had a dangerous look on her face, but couldn't bring herself to argue with him.

"Fine," Elphaba said. "But what about _after_ a few days?"

"I think I can help with that too," Fiyero said quietly, earning him another dangerous look. "My parents own a few buildings here around Oz. This one, obviously, and also a couple cottages off the main campus. I'm sure they'd be happy to rent one of the empty ones to you. Oz, they'd probably just _give _it to you if I asked."

"Renting is just fine."

"And what about money?" Elphaba interjected, stepping in front of Fiyero to further stop him from offering valid and viable options to Nessa. "This is permanent. This is expulsion. You can never go back to Shiz. You probably can't go to any university in Oz again.'

"I'll get a job. An ordinary job."

"And if you don't have a degree, how will you become the Governor-"

"I'm not going to be the Governor!" Nessa exclaimed, clasping her forehead in frustration.

Nessa closed her eyes for a moment and inhaled deeply. When she opened them, she extended her hand to her sister, who took a seat beside her on the sofa.

Fiyero waved Boq and Galinda out of the room so the sisters could have some privacy.

"Nessa," Elphaba murmured, rubbing the back of Nessa's hand with thumb. "I just… You'll be disowned. Once he finds out that you've done this-"

"I'm fine with that," Nessa interrupted. "Completely fine with that. I've had enough of his influence for one lifetime. And he can't pin this on you because _he _was the one who gave an ambiguous order. And it's not like he's paying for your tuition anyways."

Elphaba inhaled deeply.

"I just really don't want you to wake up tomorrow or next week or twenty years from now and resent me for being the reason you don't have a college education or a relationship with father." There was a moment of silence as both sisters considered the statement. "What will you do for money? Father will cut you off. He'll close your bank account-"

"He can't close what's already been closed," Nessa answered. "I took out the money first thing this morning. And I'll get a job. Same as everyone else."

Elphaba stared unblinkingly at the wall just past Nessa's head. Her thoughts spun a thousand miles a minute, but none would stop long enough for her to grab it and say it.

"You're right, Elphaba. I don't know how I'll feel in twenty years," Nessa sighed, placing her other hand on top of Elphaba's. "But I do know how I feel right now. And I'm happy about this. I'm okay with it."

Nessa squeezed Elphaba's hand and Elphaba knew the conversation was over. Even if she could somehow convince Madame Morrible to reverse the decision, there was no way she could convince Nessa to.

It still took a little while for her to drop the subject completely though, and it wasn't until Fiyero and Galinda both threatened to punish her if she said anything else to get her stop.

Nessa appreciated this, but just because the topic had ceased to be a subject of conversation did not mean it had lost impact.

She found herself laying awake that night fretting over the future.

Even after the group helped her move her things from Madame Morrible's into a small cottage not too far from Fiyero's own house and she had responded to an advertisement in _The Shiz Sentinel _for a part time job at the post office, her worry took over.

Was this her life now? Just her in this one-room cottage? Was she going to live here forever or would she someday move somewhere else?

What would happen if she fell ill and couldn't work? Or what if the post office had stairs and she couldn't get inside so they just fired her? And what if it was too small so she couldn't move around?

What if she fell getting in or out of the bathtub? She couldn't call anyone. Would she just stay there on the bathroom floor? What happened if she was hurt?

Was this the end of something or the beginning of something. Or was it both?

And if it was both, which thing was worrying her more?

"We're pretty typical as far as a post office goes," Master Levkin explained as he held open the door to the post office counter. "Mail's mostly for the University but sometimes you get things for the locals. I think that's why the Head Shiztress refused to let us put one on campus."

"Madame Morrible?" Nessa asked, peering up at the back end of the mail slots.

"No, no. The one before her. Madame Fruthless. Terrible woman. Absolutely awful. Far worse than the current one, if you don't mind me saying so."

(Nessa found that hard to imagine.)

"Now, I'm going to have you start up front while you're still training," Master Levkin explained. "It'll get you oriented to the way it works, the usual customers, and all that. You start by sorting mail. Just like this."

Master Levkin went on to explain the outs-and-ins of the Ozian mail system.

He told her how mail traveled by train throughout the various countries and that mail and packages shipped across borders required certain stamps or approvals, how those who received a considerable amount of mail could apply for a special box right there in the post office, and how to keep the ledger of packages received and shipped.

Nessa was trying to decipher an address written in a particularly loopy cursive when someone approached the counter. She looked up to find the familiar face of Boq standing in front of her.

"Hi, Miss- I mean… No. That was right. Hello, Miss Nessarose," Boq said, fumbling a bit over his words in surprise. "I… I didn't know you worked here."

"It's my first day," she replied somewhat awkwardly. "Are you here to pick up mail?"

She couldn't help but feel nervous around Boq, more so than any of the rest of the group, though he was, admittedly, the only one other than Elphaba that she really knew anything about. Though they didn't spend time together anymore (and were likely on better terms for it), she still felt immense guilt and anxiety whenever they interacted. Like she may slip into her old ways simply by being in his presence.

Needless to say, theirs was a _bit_ more complicated than the typical former couple.

"Packages, actually. On behalf of the library," he explained. "So, I'd guess it's probably that very large tome directly behind you."

Nessa glanced at the specified book and then picked up the label on top of it.

"Yes, it is. What's it for?" she asked, before quickly adding, "If you don't mind me asking."

"Not at all," he replied (albeit stiffly). "The library is connected with the other university libraries around Oz. We will often send books back and forth to each other. I come here almost every other day picking something up or sending something out."

"I see," Nessa said, nodding. She lifted the book onto the counter. "I just need you to sign, uh, here for me."

She set the ledger in front of him along with a pen. He signed the correct line without her needing to point it out to him.

Then, he gave her a slight nod and picked up the book.

"Thank you very much. I'll see you… Well, I guess I'll see you the next time I come in," Boq remarked.

He tucked the book under his arm and then clicked his heels together as if he was going to salute her. But instead, he just nodded and spun around for the door.

Nessa soon learned that he was amongst the 'regulars' Master Levkin had identified, though she began grouping him into a subcategory of her own making she referred to as the 'morning regulars.'

The 'morning regulars' would come in almost as soon as the post office opened each morning to pick up their mail and collect their things. The rest of the morning would fall quiet until the next rush came on their lunch break. The afternoon would follow much the same pattern before rounding the day out with the largest onslaught of the day as Shiz students and professors got out of class.

During the times of the day where the amount of customers to assist ebbed rather than flowered, sorting mail became one of Nessa's favorite work activities. Sure, it was boring and did not require much thought once she had memorized the rules and grew accustomed to deciphering handwriting, but it allowed her mind to wander. She began keeping a small notebook on the front desk in which to jot down thoughts, ideas, or even occasionally just doodles.

Following the first week of Nessa's employment, Boq did not return to the library until two weeks later (making his 'almost every other day' statement seem like a lie).

It felt odd to him for her to be so formal (well, _professional_) with him when they had such a history. She didn't appear to treat him any differently than she did the customers that had been ahead of him in line, but rather just asked her now-routine questions about the mail.

"Is there anything special about these books we should know?" she asked, her stamp pausing mid-air over a book Boq had just brought in.

"What do you mean?"

"Is it particularly old or rare? If it is, I can make sure it's processed as 'Fragile,'" Nessa explained.

Boq paused, frowning.

"It's just a book, Miss Nessarose."

"Yes, I know that. I just…" Nessa dropped her voice."I happened to get trained in package handling yesterday and I thought it may be helpful, given what I saw back there."

Boq considered the offer and then the book sitting on the desk in front of her. Then, he shook his head.

"I don't think that's necessary," he said at last. "But I'll keep that in mind for others, though."

Nessa nodded and finished processing the outgoing shipment before picking back the new arrival and handing to him.

"Oh! And there's one more thing too," she said as he finished signing the ledger.

"I was under the impression that we only had one book coming in."

"It's not for the library. It's for you."

She picked a rectangular package up from behind her. It was tied up with brown paper and twine and, when Boq took it from her, it was far lighter than he expected. Out of curiosity, he pulled the twine and the paper fell away to reveal a loaf of homemade bread.

He looked from the bread to Nessa, his brow furrowing.

"What is this for, Miss Nessarose?"

"I was looking ahead at my calendar last night and saw that the day after tomorrow is your birthday," Nessa explained with the slightest hint of excitement in her voice. "And I figured I wouldn't see you until after it had passed, so I thought I'd give this to you today."

Boq frowned at the bread, which made Nessa bite her lip.

"It's fresh. I promise," she said automatically. "I just made it last night. And I'm… I'm still getting the hang of cooking, but my baking actually turns out pretty well."

"But... why?"

"Well, it's your birthday," Nessa replied, her smile faltering a bit at his confusion. "And giving gifts is what you do on a friend's birthday."

"But I'm not your friend."

The words had slipped out of his mouth before he could stop them. And the moment they did, he could see something change in Nessa's eyes.

"That's not what I meant," he said quickly. "I just meant-"

"No, it's alright. I'm sorry."

Boq looked up at her, his confusion deepening. But instead of seeing tears roll down her face or even the beginnings of anger, he just saw (reluctant) acceptance. And, unless he was mistaken, guilt.

"... _You're_ sorry?"

Nessa let out a sigh.

"Yes. I should have… I had it in my head that since we weren't, uh, dating that we were… But I guess I never really asked you if that was what you wanted or not." She grimaced and shook her head. "I'm sorry."

Boq stared for a long moment.

His natural response was to feel manipulated, to think she was doing this to make him feel bad, but Nessa's tone was sincere. Any guilt or remorse she expressed was genuine.

"Uh, well… Alright. Thank you," he said slowly, monitoring her expression closely.

He looked down at the bread in his hand and then tentatively held it out to her.

"Do you want this back?"

To his surprise, Nessa gave him the tiniest of smiles and shook her head.

"No. It's for you. Consider it a…a request for forgiveness. At some point at least. In the hope that we can one day be friends." Nessa inhaled deeply. "_Real_ friends, I should say."

Boq considered the request for a long moment before giving her a stiff nod and turning for the door.

He would not return to the post office again for another several days, but he made sure to pay attention to how many of his friends, colleagues, and classmates wished him a happy birthday.

(Not one.)

* * *

**Hi, ya'll. **

**You'd think that being stuck inside would lead me to churn out chapter after chapter of content, but alas, my brain has been empty. I'm bored out o my mind though, so hopefully it'll kick into high gear soon. **

**Anyways, I wanted to specify something that I realized may not have come across on FF because it does not have the tagging system AO3 does: This AU is canon divergence. It's not so much Act II Nessa looking back at what could have been different, but more so this AU splitting off from canon following "Dancing Through Life" and creating a new timeline. Sorry if that wasn't clear. It's been a while since I've really used tbh and I'm not used to being able to write a complete summary or having everything tagged well.**

**Hope you all are staying safe and healthy! Wash your hands and practice social distancing. Please. **

**Until next time.**


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